Hey Microsoft, I Heard You Need a New CEO

Dear Microsoft,

It’s been all over the news this week that Steve Ballmer has decided to step down as CEO. At first this seemed like a decision he had come to by himself, perhaps having felt as if his work here was done. Some started speculating that he was forced out by the board. Whatever the case, it has become clear that you will be seeking out a new CEO over the coming 12 months.

You need to choose me, and here is why:

1. I will work for half the money. It was reported that Ballmer made $1.3 million in 2012. I will step into his job for half the money.

2. I know what is wrong with your products, and I know how to fix them. I am someone who is intimately familiar with your apps and operating systems, and I am even more intimately familiar with fixing them. From disinfecting them, hardening them, cleaning them up, making them usable, and working around their aggravating inconsistencies, I know what is wrong with your shit. And I know how to fix it.

3. I know your competition. I got so fed up with you around the time Windows ME came out, I wrote you off completely, wiped all my machines, and became a Linux die-hard. I only used you when I had to. Eventually I ended up becoming a Mac user as I matured into adulthood and could actually (almost) afford the damn things. I know what it’s like to hate on Microsoft, I know why people do it, and I know what you can do to turn that around. I know what makes a Mac so much more appealing in the eyes of those customers you are so quickly losing.

My experience is based in reality. The reality of day-to-day usage and frustration with your products. When is the last time Ballmer sat down and tried to wipe a hard drive and reinstall Windows XP for someone? When is the last time anyone on your board, for that matter, had to disinfect a Windows 7 box riddled with malware and explain to their mother-in-law how her computer completely stopped functioning and why she now needs to change her online banking passwords?

Sure, there are thousands of consumers such as myself who are equally as familiar with your problems, and each have their own opinions on what you need to fix about yourself, but I bring to the table the experience of seeing you fail in many environments: colleges, non-profits, corporations, and federal government. I have worked across all of these sectors over the years, and I have witnessed each one seek out alternative solutions to the problems you consistently present.

Microsoft, you are out of touch, and that is why you are quickly becoming irrelevant. As you seek a new CEO, I hope that you strongly consider someone who is in touch, and I hope you even more strongly consider that person to be me.

About Will Chatham

Will Chatham is an Information Security Analyst, OSCP, Ethical Hacker, and Penetration Tester at a federal data center in Asheville, NC. Since Netscape 2.0, he has worked in a wide array of environments including non-profit, corporate, small business, and government. His varied background, from developer to search engine optimizer to security professional, has helped him build a wide range of skills that help those with whom he works and teaches.
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2 Comments

  1. Barney Sokol

    That salary seems like chump change for a CEO of a firm of that magnitude.

    dude you have touched on one of my favorite subjects, Microsoft Bashing! Thank you so much!
    And as on and on as I could go, I will try to stay in my briefs, even as my boner for Billbashing grows:

    1. Since Apple Two E (this fucking machine won’t even let me type Iie properly, and instead puts some Bullets and Numbering shit in my way), I have computed, and, THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME, Microsoft did their whole corporate best to destroy the beautiful Apple Environment, giving many products I use a LOT of some major cases of fuckup.
    2. HATE! Decades of hate! Hate even as I type on one of these pieces of shit. O Linux, I want you! But, yeah, give me my Apple. NOW! The ONLY reason I would ever want to win The Lottery.
    3. But we have not even gotten started here. Every step of The Computer Way, which has become Life Itself for many, including you and me, the fuckin’ Soft Corp. fuckers fucked everything. How many good companies have been done in by Evil William and his drones? And now he is a philanthropist? Fuck you, mother fucker!
    4. Competition? There is none. Apple rules! This machine is supposed to be a Personal Computer, but The PC is consistently an oxymoron in the worst possible way, in all its stupid forms. A total fucking nightmare from the gitgo—and I have NEVER had ONE problem, EVER, with a Mac.
    5. I have told this story since The Beginning of home folk computing (bulletin boards, baby! And AppleTalk. Loved that!), and watched almost every family member and friend take The Evil Path instead. For the “savings” of filthy lucre (NOT!) when they could afford paradise! “Yeah, but ….” FUCK YOU, IDIOTS! You were, and are, wrong, and me, and Will are right. Just yesterday one relative spent eight hours on the phone with some clueless South Asian for—-it does not matter what for. Has anyone ever spoken to Apple Help? Why? Macs are intuitive, like a Princess phone c. 1963.
    6. Not a Number Six, really Five Extended: the best technology is not ever even noticed (though I have spent a long time in contemplation of The Wheel, not to mention The Stick, and The Stone, etc., for philosophical purposes). I repeat: technology is for making life easier.

    OK, enuf with the rant. To Will:

    dude your solution is to take the helm. I say sink the fuckin’ boat before it wastes more lives. UN resolution or something. My mother-in-law is so proud of her son who worked so hard for her in her MS digital environment and I

    —I will not call my dear in-laws dumbshits. I can only tell Will, here,

    DO NOT TAKE THE HELM FOR ANY AMOUNT OF DOLLARS!

    I repeat, sink that sick fucking ship. Please!

    And you have a nice day, brah! And thank you, again.

  2. Barney Sokol

    $1.3 mill? Why is Steve Ballmer working for chump change? McDonalds head guy $13 million last year. The Taco Bell/Pizza Hut CEO received $11.3 million.

    It’s because stock options. With total compensation Ballmer is the 51st richest person in the world according to Forbes, with an estimated wealth of $15.2 billiion. You should ask for more when you are interviewed by the MS board, Will.

    I got all this from a Robert Reich blog about low wages (http://robertreich.org/post/59342894595). Here is my favorite part:

    “The wealth of the Walton family – which still owns the lion’s share of Walmart stock — now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40 percent of American families combined.”

    And fast food workers are going on strike. Their wages are shrinking, value-wise, while compensation for a few is growing ever more ginormous.

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